Still Living. No Owner’s Manual.

Hi. Still me. Still here. Still living inside this grief. To me, we just lost Will. I am still sitting in that hospital waiting room chair.  Watching the doctor come out of that door. I already knew. I already knew, when the nurse called at 4:30am that Will’s pupils had become non-reactive.  I kept hoping and waiting. Terrified of the outcome, because what does that mean… that my child is dead?  

What do you mean, I can never ever in my whole life ever talk to him again?

5 days from now, I will be going about my day. Only me knowing that 3 years ago, my son was in a car crash. And after 3 days and nights in the hospital, he was gone. Gone. 

Sitting in that chair, staring at the floor, not understanding why I am not screaming and bawling and rolling around on the floor in pain and uncertainty.  The doctor is kneeling next to me, I know he is fully prepared to kneel on that floor for as long as he sees that I need him to.  I asked the doctor, “is it weird I’m not crying?”  His response was medical as well as true. “We all react in our own ways” Facts.  We all react in our own specific way to every situation. At that moment I became very aware of everyone around us crying and trying to figure out what to do next. What do you do when your son is gone?  What do you do next when your friend or boyfriend has been taken from you? I don’t know.  I only know what happened at that moment.  We all just cried.

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One thing my mom would say every single time we argued when I was a teen. “There is no owner’s manual to being a parent.”  Well, mom, there’s no owner’s manual for being a parent, there is no owner’s manual to teach you or tell you how to go through grief either.  My mom taught me the best life lessons. Like, always tell your people you love them. No matter what, no matter when. Say it as many times as you can and make it known. Every time we walk out the door, from the ages of 0-48, we still say I love you.  I say it to my friends every time we get off the phone. Every time we are walking back to our cars across the street or corn maze, we scream “I love you” 

Make it weird, make it loud, make it known how much you love your people. Because it really is true that you have no idea when the last time will be that you get to see their smile, hear their laugh and hug and kiss their stupid face when they make you mad and you’ve made up.

Life doesn’t have an owner’s manual for any of this. We are all just trying the best we can.  My best may not measure up to what another’s expectations are or have been, but I do not care.  Because even my worst attempt at becoming better than yesterday, is still better than giving up.  I wish could give up most days.  But I haven’t been granted time away from this reality.

So, for now, I’m still here. Still trying to figure it out. 

Thanx for being here.

Xoxo

B