When does this end?

When does this end?

 We all fall on hard times. We all have our struggles.  We all need help and we all need to reach out and ask sometimes. From time to time I take long pauses from this life.  I have no idea what will happen day to day, and I struggle with not knowing what could happen today.  ( I think I have control issues )

I am no mind reader or fortune teller, or psychic, I do not get premonitions, and I do not have a celestial guide on either shoulder.  I do however, have the gift of being able to see through the bullshit.  No sugar coating here.

There have been too many times in this life of mine that I have had to deal with some really heavy stuff. And for those who know my entire story, understand and continue to love, support and show me respect, for that I say thanx.  I have friends that I talk to daily, that accept my shrill, negativity first thing in the mornings, as well as friends who let me interrupt and repeat stories, sentences and words. They accept my brain fog with no questions asked and help me remember when I lost a thought. They understand and probably know what I am trying to say, before I do.  They tell me to knock it off when I try to apologize, and I am truly always wondering what keeps them coming back to me? 

There are people that I have had to walk away from.  There have been people whom I have had to cut out. When that happens, I wonder if they even care.

 Then everything goes back to zero. Back to flush.  And when I regain my balance, and bring back my steadfastness, I wake up and look out to the world and ask it…... When does this end?  When do I get to not worry and overthink everything I have ever done, and seen, and spoke?  When does the time come when I do not have to be there for everyone? Or, is there a much simpler answer?

It won’t end.  It does not end.  I keep specific individuals in my circle, who know me, accept me for all my awful flaws, cuz my awesome flaws outweigh the bad, right?   It will not end for me.  At least not right now. I will continue to show up, regardless cuz that is what “insert a multitude of names here” would want.  I choose not to run out, I choose to stay put and be there for my people just like you have all been there for me. Because, in this lifetime, it means more to me than you’d ever know.  This won’t end for me. At least not anytime soon. And I choose to see “it” as an anchor. Not weighing me down, but holding me steady, keeping me from drifting too far away from this life.

I have stated out loud in the recent present and past, that whoever is I charge can put me on restriction now. Cuz sometimes, we all need to make the chaos end.

Thanx for being here.  XOXO                                                                                                                                                                      BRI

When the PS is Seen Before and After:

I don’t know. I don’t have answers. What I do have is this: a messy, honest life that keeps asking the same hard questions and a handful of people who keep showing up anyway. If you’re reading this at the top of the post, welcome, you’re already in the room. If you’re seeing it at the end, thank you for staying with me through the noise.

I stumble. I overthink. I bail and come back. I cut people loose and I keep others close. I’m not pretending there’s a neat finish line. Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe it’s just as abrupt of an end as Will’s ending.  

Maybe this is the work: to keep showing up, to hold onto the people who hold onto us, and to let those anchors keep us steady instead of dragging us down.

So, here’s what I choose, again and again: I stay. I accept help. I keep the circle small and fierce. I speak plainly. I say thank you for listening, for reminding me who I am when my brain fog steals the word I need, for laughing at my shrill mornings and for loving me anyway.

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Thanx for being here.
XOXO
BRI