Aren’t you so angry?

I do not feel anger. I feel sad. So sad. Sadness is heavy and painful. Sadness takes no prisoners when it becomes a mainstay in your soul.

Everyone I have spent one on one time with the last 2 years has asked me if I am angry. I am very angry that the incident occurred. I am angry for my son that will never say, “Mom” again. Him.

But am I angry at the driver? No. I am so sad for him. He is going to live with the heaviest of burdens for the rest of his life. The boys are best friends. Chosen brothers who would have, and I am sure did, done anything they could for each other. Our son could have been driving. Our son could have been the one to make the awful choice. Our son very easily could have been the one who is still here.

This is the tougher stuff to say out loud:

I don’t feel anger towards anyone. I have thought about anger a lot these days. I may be quicker to anger when someone upsets me. But I am not angry.

I am scared. Terrified of another holiday, birthday, special occasion, new experience, without Will being here for them. And they just keep happening. Life hasn’t been interrupted for everyone else like it has us. I am also, very scared of the moment that I realize that we have lived longer without our son than we lived with him.

I am devastated that our daughter is now an only child. I am devastated that she lost her best friend. I am devastated that she now must deal with her parents who have lost their son. No child should ever have to comfort their own parents. Our job as parents is to protect our kids from stuff like this.

I am confused a lot now too. Confusion comes in many forms. I can be smack dab in the middle of a conversation with someone and my thoughts just leave me. I space out and literally stop hearing the voice of the person I am speaking with. I am confused on how I am supposed to return to the life we lived before. My thoughts are jumbled entanglements of muddled and somber shadows in my mind. I am surrounded by amazing support that allows me to falter. You all allow me to take my time to get it out. You allow me to go back to a topic after we have moved on to many others. You all allow me to just sit and be sad and cry, and you laugh at my insanity of my daily stories of being out in public.

Anger isn’t the same for everyone. Neither is sadness.

I wrote about Silent Emotions in a previous post. Silent Emotions can mask themselves as anger, and they can mask themselves as joy. It is up to us to determine what we allow them to outwardly be.

XOXO

BRIANA

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Afterthoughts

When I re-read what I wrote most times… I surprise myself and have valuable realizations/ thoughts that I’d love to share… You can read them below.

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Postscript: Aren’t you so angry?

I get this a lot. Aren’t you angry? I am angry that it happened. I am angry that the doctors could not save my kiddo. I am angry that people took opportunities to place themselves into our lives and stories when they spoke about the car crash.

I am not angry. But I am quick to anger and frustration. I am not ok with liars, hypocrites, fake people, selfishness, as well as voluntary incompetence. But I do not feel anger to anyone specifically. Just don’t confront me, don’t try to make me the bad guy in your story, and don’t try to play on both sides of the fence.

I am not angry. I am tired. Exhausted from the constant efforts to keep the peace in my heart and soul. “Never let them see you sweat.” “Fake it till you make it”. “When in doubt, make it red.” These quotes always play on a loop in my mind.

I hate this next part, sadly, it is necessary. As a smart, experienced, middle aged woman, (yuck), I have always had to regulate my thoughts, edit my feelings, and basically plant seeds I never even intended to water.

My anger resonates when individuals are unaccountable in their hearts and minds. Death changes you. It changes your brain chemistry, as well as creates new pathways to learn and grow.

The very first quote I ever memorized was this one:

“NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR, WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT” –Eleanor Roosevelt

XOXO

B

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