I’m So Strong

Everyone knows and has seen the quote, “ You Never Know How Strong You Are Until Being Strong Is The Only Choice You Have.” I’ve seen Bob Marley’s name connected to it as well as random variations on social media and other forms of consumables.

I was not given a choice to be the strong one. I do not feel like I am strong. While at the hospital, in those days after the car crash, and while waiting to know if we should hold out hope of any type of recovery for Will, everyone kept telling me I was so strong. I didn’t feel strong. I didn’t feel anything most of the time. Does one know how being strong feels? In those days and hours of waiting for news, we looked strong, I think. We leaned on our family that showed up from states away. We were held up by friends who are family, who put their own lives on hold to be there for us. No matter the outcomes.

I want to go back to a specific line in my last post. The line reads, “Why isn’t someone helping me?” I need to address this statement because I feel like it is too important not to. When I say that, I do not want any of my friends and family to think they were not helpful, or that I did not notice or appreciate them helping me, and us, through all of this. Every single minute of being in that hospital, my inner voice was screaming at the big nothing…… why me? Why my son? Why us? Have we not been through enough loss and grief and life lessons? I feel like in the moments and days and hours after the car crash, I was alone. And the feeling of strength…. I didn’t recognize it. I still don’t recognize it. If this is what strength feels like, then, fyi, it’s empty. Hollow, silent, tearful, nauseous, nervous, complete and total decimation of all feelings inside my soul. Who can help me cope with that? No one. Grief and grieving are individual gauntlets, and in those moments I didn’t want to live through anymore gauntlets. Especially not this one.

The only thing that could have helped me in those moments was if I could trade places with anyone else. Will didn’t deserve this. We do not deserve to be dealt this hand. Take this deck of cards and shred them in a crosscut shredder, then drown them into silence, and burn them to ashes and bury them six feet underground. Because this sucks.

No one will ever know how this feels unless they live through it. If that ever happens to anyone in my circle, then, I will open the dark cavity of my soul, embrace them from the outside, and help them through it. They will feel alone. I know they will. They may not realize it. But, I will know. And I will do everything I can to make things easier for them.

That is my role now. In my second half of life, I pledge that I will love, cherish, embrace, and hold onto anyone who needs to be held on to.

Thank you for listening to My Second Half Self. Don’t leave. There is so much more coming.

XOXO

Briana

---

Afterthoughts

When I re-read what I wrote most times… I surprise myself and have valuable realizations/ thoughts that I’d love to share… You can read them below.

---

Postscript: I’m So Strong

Wow, this entry is powerful.  When I re-read it, my inner voice is almost screaming the words.  

I don’t want anyone to feel like I do not appreciate them telling me “you are so strong”.   I just do not know what being strong feels like.  I do not have an instant gut reaction to the word strong. I almost feel an empty shallowness in my soul when someone tells me they think I am strong. 

 I do know that thoughts and feelings usually exist together.  But when someone says I am strong, I don’t know what to say and my mind goes blank.  I appreciate hearing it. But, I almost feel like a fraud or like I need to explain away why I may seem strong, but, really I am just trying to survive.  

Owning our strengths, can be challenging.  And for whatever reason I am unable to own the word strong.  I try to encourage others to recognize their strengths, and, when in doubt, Fake It Til You Make It. But, that saying and stance is outdated and just plain not relatable anymore in today’s world.  Ownership of our strengths and weaknesses make us better.  They create pathways that may be extremely difficult, but worthwhile when we reach our destinations.  

When someone tells me they think I am strong, I try to accept the praise and also continue to keep pushing forward.  Will would want that. I know he would.

---