The Things We Do That We Don’t Like to Admit Out Loud

Raw truth behind grief…

Screaming our child’s name so loud at the top of your lungs that you make your house windows shake. Just because you need to hear their name again.

Sitting and being in our grief. By crying, screaming, anything that helps us feel physically broken. The last tangible emotion is the loss we felt when our child died.  We become so numb that in order for us to have any fathomable grip on any sort of emotion is to take ourselves back into that miniscule moment of letting go.

Numbness. Emptiness, darkness, heartbroken. All newly owned trademarks of ours are learning how to incorporate into our beings now.  We force ourselves to climb out of the pits of despair afraid of the ROUS’S, who are waiting for us every morning.  Like a vampire who opens his coffin bed each night. We have to open up and survive in a world we don’t fit into anymore.

Talking to your animals about your loved ones.  If you believe that our pets have a supernatural sense of being able to see and hear things we cannot.  I tell my dog Deacon to please tell will that I miss him so much. And I am so sorry I couldn’t help him.

Looking at photos and videos of our children.  Photos are tough. And memorial videos are tougher, for me.   There’s something deeply disturbing that no one warns you about. It hides in plain sight, buried in the rhythm of everyday life; quiet, patient, silence from your surroundings.  Then one day, it happens. Everything halts.  It’s tough to say out loud.  Live photos on our phones!!!!!  Will is alive again when I am able to open a live photo with him.  Its fucking heart stopping.

Everyone wants to help. Everyone wants to make us feel better. But everyone also struggles with what to say to us.  Read all about it: We don’t know how to talk to you either.  Our hyper awareness of our world is magnified even larger when we are out at events, or friends’ homes, or just out with someone who loves us and wants to ask questions. Or when we are seeing people that we haven’t seen in forever.  Our breath stops. Our eyes well up with tears, our throats and mouths dry up from nervous anticipation of how we are going to make breaking the ice easier. 

We are hoping that you haven’t forgotten about our loved one.  I struggle with how to speak normally about Will, without creating awkwardness.  Speaking for myself, I hope and pray that “my people” never give up on me.  I am easy to disregard as “whatever doesn’t fit well into others’ spaces.  I hope for more patience and understanding for myself, and for me to be able to support futures friends and family with empathy. 

 I live in the In-Between, now.   Where empathies bruise me, and where my first half self battles with my second half self everyday.

XOXO

BRI

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Postscript: The Things We Do That We Don’t Like to Admit Out Loud

A few weeks ago, I was running errands, and I was smacked in the face with sadness and a gut-wrenching emptiness in my stomach. I immediately recognized it. The tears started to flow, and there was nothing I could do to stop them from falling. I could not control it. My inner voice said to me, “this is why people don’t do what you’re doing”.

In general, people do not like to talk about losing a child. As we know and understand that we are not alone, sharing our hearts is an exposure some of us may not like. I know I do not like to show my vulnerability. “Never let them see you sweat” and “Fake it til you make it” are two phrases that live rent free in my carbon fibers.

Sadly, as I find my way into this new space of acknowledgement and awareness of our gigantic loss, I understand why no one talks about losing their kid. We know that our kids are pieces of the “bests” and the “worsts” of their parents. We try as hard as we can to help our babies learn and grow into high caliber adults and to be good people. The things we don’t like to say, are probably what you all want and need to hear from us. Trust me, we will get there. Thanks for staying with me. I really appreciate and love that you’re here with me.

XOXO

B